(waiting for Zuzu)
Prior to the birth of our daughter, we went through scan after scan. I wrote a poem.
1
I took them to the hospital
My wife, pregnant with hope.
My unborn daughter, already problematic.
I took them to the the specialists
Who didn’t know enough
Although they had some groovy
German Technology
The scanner
The million-pound hospital scanner.
In you go, you tiny heart.
Do it.
Chronic
Villus
Surgery
Do it.
Effortless
Purgatory.
Do it.
Sssshhh mother.
Ssssshhh father.
2
Motioning gently to show that you care.
Do the keening and fearing the cause of the distance
will pass when you’re watching her brushing her hair.
Do all the choosing, the simpleton boozing
Do the need for forgiveness
(which will never be there).
3
Do it all once and then do it all twice
and then do again with no fear in your voice.
Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.
Do the scans, make new plans
Do the classic confusions.
Have the second opinions, the words, the conclusions which make nothing fit.
Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.
Do that one
Do that one
Do that one
Do it. Do it. Do it.
4
Do the decisions
Stand and see the incisions
They are making to find out as much as they can.
Do the distractions
Do the chemical fractions
Do the fear of inaction that marks you as man.
Do all the hoping that anyone can.
5
Look at the scans
Those scans
Black and white and grey areas.
6
Do the jump from the fire and into the pan.
Do the beer drinking
Do the night thinking
Do all the linking of facts at your hand.
Do it the looking at scans.
7
Do it! The talking, the walking , the waking, the empathy shaking the sleep from her eyes.
Do it! The sweating, morality vetting, the rational reasons for not making her die.
Do it! The holding, the touching, the folding of tea towels or something to make the time fly.
Do it! The meetings with hope sometimes fleetingly catching a whisper of things you should know.
Do know them.
Ssshhh, please, sssshhh, please peace for one night.
Do all the screaming later.
Do all the screening tonight.
Do all the meanings outside in snow.
Do
each
single
drop
of
hospital tea.
Until your your wits’ ending,
Do some pretending,
Defend decisions until you’re too tired to be.
Drink
each
single
drop
of
the
hospital tea.
Wait for the results.